Star Witness News
by MaraJade31
Summary: This is just a comedy that I wrote about what would happen if the Star Wars characters ran a news report. It's PG13 for suggestive themes. Please just have fun. RR please! Be nice, this is my 2nd parody. :


Disclaimer: The characters and some of the phrases used in this story belong to George Lucas. I only did this for my entertainment and am making no profit from it what-so-ever. Please just enjoy and don't kill me! :)  
  
"Star Witness News"  
  
[Scene I: See Threepio is seen sitting at a desk with Artoo Deetoo as the Star Wars   
music is playing. The lights brighten as the camera pans in on the two droids.]  
  
C-3PO: Hello, I am See Threepio, Human Cyborg relations-  
  
[Interrupted by beeping.]  
  
C-3PO: [Annoyed] And this is my counterpart Artoo Deetoo.  
  
Jawa: Uttinni!  
  
C-3PO: AH! How on Tatooine did you get in here? Help, security!  
  
[Two ewoks come in and drag the jawa away.]  
  
C-3PO: Sorry about the interruption. I can't abide those jawas, disgusting creatures!   
Well, on to more important matters...in recent news there have been sightings of a   
fifty-foot woman in China. We go now to the video clip...  
  
[Video shows people running and screaming with a giant woman chasing after   
them.]  
  
C-3PO: Oh dear! [Beeping from R2] Artoo Deetoo, that is not meant to be said on   
cable television! You watch your language. And, yes of course they're real Artoo,   
why would she have fake- Umm, well onto the politics...  
  
[Scene II: Camera moves over to Admiral Ackbar.]  
  
Ackbar: Good evening, many Bothans died to bring us this information that I have   
here before you tonight. We have evidence to the rumors that Grand Moff Tarkin   
has been seen going to Jabba's rent-a-whore. We have this photo...  
  
[Photo of Slave Leia and Grand Moff Tarkin.]  
  
Ackbar: And now back to you, Threepio...  
  
[Scene III: Camera goes back to C-3PO.]  
  
C-3PO: Thank you, Admiral, and I-  
  
[He is again interrupted by a jawa running past carrying Luke's hand, Luke is   
following closely behind.]  
  
Jawa: Uttinni!  
  
Luke: Hey, come back here, you can't salvage my hand!  
  
Jawa: Uttinni!  
  
Luke: I don't care if it's a collector's item!  
  
[Threepio is now left alone.]  
  
C-3PO: Sometimes I just don't understand human behavior. Oh well...Welcome   
back everyone. As you all know, Star Wars: Episode Two: The Beginning of the   
Second to the Last, has opened in theatres today all around the country. I don't   
know about you, Artoo, but I find this all very exciting. We go now to our top   
reporter, Emperor Palpatine, who is live at the scene at Mann's Chinese Theatre...  
  
[Scene IV: Emperor Palpatine stands in front of a line of people and is holding a   
microphone.]  
  
Palpatine: Thank you, Threepio. Hello everyone, this is Emperor Palpatine reporting   
live and by the time I finish this report, you will all be my slaves. Come, feel your   
anger, let the darkside flow through your veins, making you more and more my   
slave-  
  
[Vader walks by wearing shorts and carrying a Spice Girls' doll.]  
  
Palpatine: [Groaning] I need a new line of work!  
  
[Palpatine walks up to a passerby to interview them.]  
  
Palpatine: Excuse me, Sir, have you seen the new Star Wars film yet today?  
  
Obi-Wan: Yes, I have.  
  
Palpatine: Then would you be so kind as to give your opinion of it for our viewers at   
home?  
  
Obi-Wan: Certainly, well, I thought that it was a very good movie, but that little kid,   
Anakin Skywalker!  
  
Palpatine: Yes, what about him?  
  
[In background you see Yoda jumping Anakin Skywalker in line for his movie   
ticket.]  
  
Obi-Wan: The boy is dangerous, they all sense it, why can't you?  
  
[Heard in background:  
Anakin: Give me back my ticket, you wrinkly little green buger!  
  
Yoda: Never will I! Mine it is now!  
  
Anakin: I stood in line for five months to get that ticket, now give it back, or   
I'll tell Han about you and Leia!  
  
Yoda: Kiss my green hairy little ass, you can!]  
  
[They continue to brawl and you hear them yelling in the background as the camera   
goes back to Palpatine.]  
  
Palpatine: Uh, this has been Emperor Palpatine reporting live from Mann's Chinese   
Theatre, good night.  
  
[Just then, Yoda jumps Emperor Palpatine]  
  
[Scene V: The camera goes back to Threepio.]  
  
C-3PO: And now we go to the Captain Piett for today's weather forecast.  
  
[Camera moves over to another desk where Captain Piett.]  
  
Piett: [Very depressed sounding.] Hello everyone, and good evening, if it is   
one...Today's weather forecast for the desert planet Tatooine...hot. For those of you   
living on the icy planet of Hoth...cold, very, very cold. For the Dagobah   
Swamp...damp. Cloud City-  
  
[Begins to cry and whimper as he finishes speaking with shouting.]  
  
Piett: Ah I hate my life! Why the Hell do I continue to live my lowly existance! The   
weather forecast is the same thing every damn day! Shoot me! Somebody shoot me!  
  
[Han Solo walks in carrying a blaster and shoots Piett. Piett falls over dead.]  
  
Han: Boring conversation anyway!  
  
[Threepio walks in outraged.]  
  
C-3PO: Captain Solo! What is the meaning of all this! I must order you to refrain   
from such roguish behavior while on my show!  
  
Han: Relax, Goldenrod, I was just clearing the air.  
  
C-3PO: But Captain Solo-  
  
Han: Look, why don't you just get back to your desk before I make the first gold   
plated coffin for him out of you!  
  
C-3PO: Just get rid of the body!  
  
[Sign appears saying, "Technical difficulties, please stand by."]  
  
[Scene VI: The camera goes back to Threepio.]  
  
C-3PO: That concludes our reports for this evening, please tune in tomorrow when   
we will be discussing the release of my new book called, My Walk on the Wild Side.   
Thank you and goodnight.  
  
[Artoo beeps and then the Star Wars music begins to play as the credits begin to   
roll.]  



End file.
